There were many times in my life when I felt invincible. Limitless energy, strength, and power were always there, and I never questioned their origin or future. Relaxation was something other people did, but it was a myth to me. It never mattered, and it did get me into trouble many times as it could cause me to overpromise my time and assistance. My heart was in the right place, but the laws of time and physics held the real story.
As I have walked through the decades, the damages have slowly begun to humble me. Lifting entire appliances and sleeper sofas on my own, dragging them up stairs with nothing but rage to propel me, takes its toll.
My 31-year-old self stood in the dealership shop where I used to work. My auto technician friend, who was 45ish at that time, recounted how his bones and joints hurt all night and how he never slept well because of it. His description of his malady was sobering. A flash of heat went through me because at a mere 31, I had acted like I was Superman. I did all those things he said I should never do. I knew then that I was on the wrong flight, and there was no way to change it now. Up ahead, payment must be made.
It came faster than I imagined. Back surgery at 35, rheumatoid arthritis at 40, chronic tinnitus at 58—where did the break happen? From 35 on, the next 25 years have been spent learning how to do the same job but more intelligently. Overall, I have done well.
One of the greatest follies is overconfidence; it is one of mine. I went through all these valleys trying to negotiate with a fraction of my former energy, strength, and endurance and felt that I had it all figured out. Of course, pride comes before a fall. There is always something new.
Today, I am in the depths of 20 days of a strong respiratory virus that has also triggered a very painful condition. It has made me feel like I have fallen into a hole, as if it were a trap. I have always thought that I was good at seeing all possible outcomes in the road ahead of me, but let's be real: No one possibly could. To declare such a thing is just foolishness.
One characteristic of me is that I truly multitask. In the failed business world, there is a saying that there is no such thing. It is believed that if you attempt it, all tasks fail. Mine is a different brand. It is not so much running multiple jobs simultaneously, but I can see every step travelled in all of those tasks, and whenever one set of steps can carry 2 loads, I do that. It may be due to years of LTL (less than truckload) transportation dispatch and load brokering. Whatever the case, I am exceptional at it.
After being in the hole for the last twenty days, I can suddenly see that choreography as we need things and other supplies running out. My brain has calculated how to make every moment, mile, and step count.
My collective task at the Army NCO Academy was "Consolidate and Reorganize". A collective task orchestrates many individual tasks from the soldiers' manual applicable to that overall goal. The C&R scenario is your unit was just attacked. Your water supply took fire and is leaking on the ground; there are casualties all over the place, chaos, screaming, munitions burning, and smoke everywhere. The injured must be brought to a safe triage area and treated where they are not in the open. Water and food need to be secured. A defensive perimeter needs to be set up, ammunition collected from wherever you can find it and given to the perimeter guards. Strategies of what to do next must be set, utilizing whatever and whomever is left to the best of your ability. Why? Because historically, when the OP4 hits you and then pulls back, they are regrouping, and now, knowing that you are this damaged, they are coming back at any moment to finish the job.
Down here in the hole, you can bet I am finding things I did not account for. I am not out of this hole yet, and I have no idea how long it will last. But you can be sure that for all of my responsibilities of caring for my household, I will do even better to carry us through this ever-elastic framework, that is, our ever-changing circumstances.
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