Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Saturday, November 23, 2024

Tangled heart

 I saw them.

 Intertwined like as a single person. 

Saying words that the rest of us cannot know.

 Minds, thinking the same thoughts,  hearts, beating in harmony.

In darkness, they sustained each other, stealing most of the life within them.

Their homeland is a parasitic existence.

A woven strength kept them in love, chaos, and emulsion.

Below the surface, the strength that sustained them could not be defined and was likely more messy than it appeared.


Photo by Angel Luciano on Unsplash

What they built felt timeless and we rejoiced to a fault.

The walls were indestructible.

The ground was firm and without doubt.

Alone was something they could never know.

No matter how dark the room was, they always saw each other in the light.

It was something we came to know as the mountain that sits outside my north window.

I never dreamed it could cease to exist.

I know nothing because I never thought I could be injured in a great train wreck when I was not even there.

It is our connection. It is real and one many cannot achieve.

That is something you never throw away.

That is something you hold.

I never knew those walls could crumble like they were just paper and ash.

I worry that the ground was soft all along, but I cannot be sure of anything these days.

dreamed - farm

dreamed - arms

dreams - wrong

never - dreamed - hurt

never - dreamed - lose

dreams - I'm - strong

now - creek - rising

my - bridges - burned

dreamed - crowds

smoke - clouds

dreams - don't last

have - suspicions

position - stars

all - revealed

know - then

stars - surrender

snow - falling

fences - torn

need - someone

hear - someone

song - somewhere

dreamed - walking

two - talking

life's mystery

words - flow - friends

winding - streams

wanted - see - you

seem - surprising

find - yourself - alone

dark - rising

new - moon - born

always - dreamed - love

never- dreamed - lose

I always thought I would have you in my life. My heart rewrote our history and I was standing near you as you opened your eyes for the first time. I fell in love with you in that alternate universe and love knew no barriers. That is why I stand here today feeling so much loss.

I just want you to know that we are good. Finding you does not have to be for nothing. Perhaps this is always where we were going, I don't know. I have to stop thinking that one story has anything to do with the other. But when you love someone like they are your own daughter, you cannot help but feel all of the pain that rolls in.

I wish I knew what was ahead. November is an awful month and as a precursor to the days ahead, words have spilled out over the fire leaving us to salvage fragments with our tears.

I know I always knew you, and I hope you know you too. You are someone I believe in, someone I can trust. I wish you knew how amazing you really are.


Wednesday, August 25, 2021

This is the last day of our aquaintance as tears go by

 This is the last day of our acquaintance, I will meet you later in somebody's office

I'll talk but you won't listen to me, I know what your answer will be

It is the evening of the day, I sit and watch the children play. Smiling faces I can see, But not for me
I sit and watch as tears go by
My riches can't buy everything. I want to hear the children sing. All I hear is the sound Of rain falling on the ground.
I sit and watch as tears go by
It is the evening of the day. I sit and watch the children play. Doing things I used to do They think are new.
I sit and watch as tears go by

We had to let go today.  I have had many cats and some of them I felt were pretty important to me, to my family.  But I was surprised to find that when one of these guys is interwoven into your small children growing up, it takes on a depth I did not expect.  Anyone that knows this boy would know from these photos that there is a terrible pain seen in his eyes.  It brings on a sadness I cannot bear.  Bogie was over 20 pounds the better part of his life, but today he was just over 14.  He was basically a cat that really thought he was a dog.  He was funny, ate furiously, a troublemaker and got his face scratched up dozens of times by his smaller, but alpha sister, Lava.
I always thought Bogie would be the last to go, but things can change so fast.  The hardest part for me is how his story is woven into that of my sons.  When Liam was 5 and Noah was 2 and a half, we had a cat, but he was mostly an outdoor cat.  One day, this very exotic long-haired stray showed up in the yard.  We started feeding her and the boys fell in love with her.  She was not used to staying in so she was out one night.  One night, we heard the unmistakable sound of a predator killing an animal.  We were certain that it was this new little girl cat.  Liam and Noah were devastated.  Donna had learned that there were free kittens over by Wendell Vet Clinic, so she left with the 2 boys on a Saturday afternoon in August of 2008 to find a replacement kitty.  Of course, I knew, that they would come home with 2.  Liam had picked the girl and named her Lava and Noah had picked the boy and named him Bogie.
These kittens grew up with my boys, 2 of our dogs, and each other.  Bogie became HUGE!  I nicknamed him Richard Parker after the Bengal tiger in Life of Pi. He acted far more like a dog than a cat.  He loved Noah so much.  When Noah would get out of the shower, Bogie would lick his hair dry for an eternity.  He was a trouble maker and got his nose torn up more times than I could count by his sister Lava for messing with her.  Once in a while, he would find his way outside, and for the next 2 days, we had to separate the two of them because Lava would try to kill him because he smelled different.  I mean relentlessly pursue him like she was a Terminator!
Today, as we were about to take him for his final ride, I set him in the grass, just so he could see that one more time.  It was the least I could do for such a noble friend and family member.  Donna, Noah, Liam, Haylie, and I were all with him as it should be. Noah is now 15 and Liam is 18.  Time continues its pursuit.  I am so sad about this day and also thankful that he was ours.
I chose Sinead O'Connor's Last Day of Our Acquaintance, even though it is a break-up song, it was what was in my head on the sad drive to Claremont.  On the way home, in the wake of Charlie Watts passing yesterday, As Tears Go By because that sums up my insides today.

The next day: Lava is walking around the house crying a very sad cry.  These two were together every single day of their lives, until today.




Friday, May 17, 2019

Staring Down the Barrel of Another Winter

September happened.  I am another year older, a spring and summer have passed, the brilliant bright green leaves that were so new on the trees only seemingly seconds ago have hardened to a callous veteran status and with one free fall of the mercury, will yeild to color too spectacular to imitate. What do I have to show? Not as much as I would like. Back in May on a rainy Saturday, Donna, the boys and I crossed the Pemigawasett River in the White Mountains. The feeling was amazing. It felt like we were really doing this. This was only the beginning and here we were now, off to a good start.

Mt. Flume and Liberty was just too much for us and we could have had a better hike had we done better research. I. We  turned around when we realized that we would be walking for hours after dark, on steep slippery ridges in wind driven rain. We told the boys it was “Cheeseburger time” a famous saying of our YouTube friend Shawn a.k.a. Sintax77 when he finishes a hike. We told them that the first good (by which we mean not Mc Donald’s) burger place we find we are eating at. It was fun, but sad too. We so wanted to sleep in those hammocks that we almost hiked all the way up Flume with.   When we were back down on the trail alongside the river, we noticed a couple of hikers walking around gathering firewood. What this means is, out of sight the required amount away from the trail, there were people camping in the woods just like we wanted to. But, when you raced down a mountain in anticipation of a big hearty cheeseburger that no longer seems like an option. So we went and had our burgers. 

 It was memorial day weekend. Anyone who is been in the White Mountains knows that on holiday weekends nothing is cheap, nothing is available. We called a couple of hotels but they had jacked up their rates four hundred percent of course which made no sense. So late, late at night, we drove all the way back home. On the way home, extremely hard rains pressure washed us.  When we arrived home we put on the television, YouTube, and watched other people successfully do the hike that we just trying to do. It was clear to us, had we continued, we would’ve been in a world of trouble. 

The Long Trail

We still pressed on.  So we decided to try the Long Trail.  If you don’t know what the long trail is, it is a trail that was established around the beginning of the 20th century. It is the trail that inspired the Appalachian Trail. It runs 272 miles from the Massachusetts state line and ends at the Canadian border. 

 The hike we planned seem pretty simple. We would start from the trail head on route 103 in Wallingford. We would hike out past the Minerva Hinchey shelter, summit Bear Mountain, cross route 140 and end for the day at the Greenwall Shelter. This was about 9 miles of hiking with two significant climbs (for us anyway).

One of our biggest failures as a family is not being prepared for these hikes.  As a result of this we ended up leaving the house way too late that day. We knew for sure we would not get as far as we originally intended. However, it was a beautiful 74° day. We made it to Minerva Hinchey As the sun was setting. We got to talk with some through hikers, some flip-flop hikers, long trail hikers. Just as we arrived 15 other people were arriving at the same time. We decided that it was pretty urgent now that we find places to hang our hammocks.

Liam Ended up using a privy that was in the woods all by itself. And at 2:15 in the morning an animal was scraping and clawing up that privy trying to get whatever smelled in there.  It sounded huge to us, but likely was porcupines trying to get it. We will not know because we did not wish to shine a light down there just in case it was actually a bear because we did hear some noises of beers too. In fact, the nighttime noises were so intense it was like Mutual of Omaha‘s Wild Kingdom out there.



Here Comes Green River

My wonderful niece Melissa goes through a great deal of work and problem solving each year to give our family a truly unique outing. There are not many families that will ever experience something like this. So we got ready.  Opportunity always seems to knock in the form of investment, by which I mean 50% money and 725% ingenuity and hard work. This year it was in the form of a rowboat that was for sale for $100 on Maple Avenue in Claremont. The rowboat fit easily in the back of the truck could carry lots of cargo and people and would be a great thing to have at Green River. Besides how hard could it be to fix a rowboat?

We got to work. Patching and sealing and taking apart and scraping and painting. I also decided at the same time it was time to resurrect the old truck cap  that we had, so we started scraping and painting and sealing that as well. Then I realized that the oars that came with the boat we’re not what I would consider to be worthy and started to try to find those too. What I did not realize it was as I was working hard on this boat my YouTube friends the Crawford family were hiking up through Vermont in the hottest summer in a while and on Fourth of July a Wednesday that I had off, they were over in Clarendon gorge dipping into the cool freshwater. They crossed Route 103 and hiked up the next mountain and spent the night with Peewee another friend of ours and had nothing to eat except Ramen noodles that night. 

 Since these hikers had started last winter down in Georgia it was always my intention to meet with them when they got into the Clarendon area to feed them and to congratulate them on such a wonderful job well done. And I missed it. 

Green River started out rough. There was three hours of actual rowboat paddling which left my hands full of blisters, a trip to the emergency room in Morrisville with Noah who got a fish hook stuck in his hand and he wasn’t even fishing. Missing out on a great first meal and of course having to set up our hammocks  in the dark.  Thankfully, the rest of the weekend was wonderful. 


We're on the Road to Nowhere....Haa!

My friends, family and co-workers alike have asked me for years when I would or if I would open a restaurant.  I have had very good advice from people close to me who owned restaurants.  The bottom line is, you become a restaurant owner because you love to cook.  You love the ideas, creativity, the execution and finally the reward of diners pleased with what they paid for.  I got that.  I can do that.  Much better than many. I mean no arrogance here, I just know.  But the issue is, a restaurant is a business, it has employees and it needs them to make it work.  Human Resource attention is needed, an accountant is needed.  No fledgling restaurant owner can just hire people to do those things, they must do it themselves.  So while you are handling those administrative "departments" someone else is doing the cooking that YOU thought you would be doing.  Do they share your dream and vision for what should be on each plate.  I really know in my case, absolutely not.  So you get it, restaurants are not in the plan.

Food trucks are a much better way to go, but do require an up front investment.  So after going back and forth with some folks at the City of Claremont NH, I became a vendor one Saturday in July, cooking and selling Southwest Egg Rolls.


The reception from customers was excellent, and if I had a Saturday morning to give each week, I could see the real opportunity of real momentum that could lead to a food truck.  Claremont is tough, their farmers market is still in the stone age.  Nothing wrong with that, they all had to start somewhere.  But in September I went to Londonderry Vermont, THATS a farmers market!!!


Goodbye, Farewell, Amen

In July the time had come to say goodbye to my cousin Tom. The previous March, Tom died at his home in Nebraska from the flu. He was only 56. A service had been held in Nebraska back in March, but for those of us on the east coast, a celebration of life was held in Danbury CT.  There was no way that I could not speak in honor of Tom.

Tom was 4 years older than me, yet he always gave me a chance before anyone else ever would. He was like my brother. We became friends in the late 70s and by the early 80s we had become best of friends. So many deep conversations were had and they always came so easy. Tom taught me how to play guitar. Tom’s life had dealt him some tough circumstances as the years progressed, certainly none that he deserved. You always think you have more time, but then in just one moment....time’s up. He was in Connecticut in 2016.  At that time of course, there was much happening in my life to find a moment to get down there.  I am sad that it meant that not finding the time, meant that I would not have one more visit with him.  He was really a great guy, good person and a true friend.


Back to the White Mountains...well for the day

"Was there a family of 8 here that are hiking the Appalation Trail, kids ages 2-17?"  I could not help but ask one of the attendants at the White Mountain Information Center.  "Yeah, there was, a couple weeks ago I think.  They took a picture over by that moose." (Stuffed moose).  Yup, missed them again, but I knew that.  Ben Crawford, the dad in that family had messaged me and told me they were in Maine and we probably had missed an opportunity to meet, but he thanked me for sharing my "story of change" and for the support.

We wanted a hike.  We asked a woman at the counter what would be a good hike that would take just an afternoon but allow us a nice summit with nice views of the Whites.  She suggested Hedgehog Mountain, which is just up beyond Hancock campsite, on the Kancamangus Highway.



It was a wonderful hike but it did take more time than the woman said, we came out right at dark. There is a youtube video of this hike posted in this blog.

First Vacation in Two Years

Moose Hillock?  It is a campground in the White Mountains.  It is resort like, has all the amenities, yet sites that are not on top of each other. This is still not the type of camping that we do, but I was plotting in my mind that, we would get the kids to go to a campground that has all the attractions, and we can hike the Whites.  This campground would be more than I have ever paid for a campsite, but hey, if you are the best.  No regrets, right?  Well, then there are these pesky little things called "reviews".  The more I read, the worse it got.  It seems that Moose Hillock was in a tailspin, and we were not going to be spending $72 a night for such a regrettable experience.  So Saturday of vacation, I am directionless. The next thing I know we forgot the camper and we booked an AirBnb in Sevierville, Tennessee.  Oh boy!  The AT in the Great Smokey Mountains.  Yes it would be rural, and the kids might be disappointed that there is nothing to do there but hike.  

Pidgeon Forge and Gatlinburg Tennessee turned out to be as Ben Crawford says, a cross between 1980s Las Vegas and something else. So the kids were not interested in hiking.  A YouTube friend was very helpful in suggesting things to do. We did get to cruise Cade's Cove and go to Clingmans Dome. An expensive vacation complete with 2 stays in the same Ramada Inn at Strasburg, VA, that could be a great set for a post apocalyptic movie.


Inevitably....Autumn Arrives

September arrives, three seconds after the end of May.  Another summer season over. We had a weekend booked at winhall Brook in South Londonderry Vermont. I love this place and I also love the farmers market in Londonderry Vermont that has such wonderful Vermont charm oh, there is no other place like it. Well there we met some mushroom growers. From them we bought some maitake mushrooms and some lion's mane mushrooms. These were amazing and we made crab cakes out of the lion's mane.








On Friday I had the opportunity to hike the Appalachian Trail from Route 11 to the Bromley Summit it was a beautiful day for a hike.




The Afternoon: Forever Afternoon (Tuesday?)

 It was forever Tuesday, and I was somehow under the misconception that my little corner of the world held immunity to the world spinning on...