Tangled heart

 I saw them.

 Intertwined like as a single person. 

Saying words that the rest of us cannot know.

 Minds, thinking the same thoughts,  hearts, beating in harmony.

In darkness, they sustained each other, stealing most of the life within them.

Their homeland is a parasitic existence.

A woven strength kept them in love, chaos, and emulsion.

Below the surface, the strength that sustained them could not be defined and was likely more messy than it appeared.

Photo by Angel Luciano on Unsplash

What they built felt timeless and we rejoiced to a fault.

The walls were indestructible.

The ground was firm and without doubt.

Alone was something they could never know.

No matter how dark the room was, they always saw each other in the light.

It was something we came to know as the mountain that sits outside my north window.

I never dreamed it could cease to exist.

I know nothing because I never thought I could be injured in a great train wreck when I was not even there.

It is our connection. It is real and one many cannot achieve.

That is something you never throw away.

That is something you hold.

I never knew those walls could crumble like they were just paper and ash.

I worry that the ground was soft all along, but I cannot be sure of anything these days.

dreamed - farm

dreamed - arms

dreams - wrong

never - dreamed - hurt

never - dreamed - lose

dreams - I'm - strong

now - creek - rising

my - bridges - burned

dreamed - crowds

smoke - clouds

dreams - don't last

have - suspicions

position - stars

all - revealed

know - then

stars - surrender

snow - falling

fences - torn

need - someone

hear - someone

song - somewhere

dreamed - walking

two - talking

life's mystery

words - flow - friends

winding - streams

wanted - see - you

seem - surprising

find - yourself - alone

dark - rising

new - moon - born

always - dreamed - love

never- dreamed - lose

I always thought I would have you in my life. My heart rewrote our history and I was standing near you as you opened your eyes for the first time. I fell in love with you in that alternate universe and love knew no barriers. That is why I stand here today feeling so much loss.

I just want you to know that we are good. Finding you does not have to be for nothing. Perhaps this is always where we were going, I don't know. I have to stop thinking that one story has anything to do with the other. But when you love someone like they are your own daughter, you cannot help but feel all of the pain that rolls in.

I wish I knew what was ahead. November is an awful month and as a precursor to the days ahead, words have spilled out over the fire leaving us to salvage fragments with our tears.

I know I always knew you, and I hope you know you too. You are someone I believe in, someone I can trust. I wish you knew how amazing you really are.

The North West Girl

 There was a sound in the night. It was a cry as if she was here, but I could not find her. Throughout the years, she never cried. Even now when she does, it is silent. 

Because I know her heart, I can feel it, the confusion, the devastation, the temporary reprieve. There is a dimensional barrier that I have to cross if I am to console her. My callous recovery from my own trials sometimes make this as easy as passing through a solid wall of concrete.

Photo by Naja Bertolt Jensen on Unsplash

So many times, for so many people, I have wanted to be the reason they found to look at things more positively. I wanted them to see the good in who they are, just like I did. 

It is in the broken glass on the floor that I stop and ponder. I know that there was a difficult trial in this very spot. I am not interested in those whose boring and predictable lives have allowed them to live the dream. It is those who sit in the corner, knees pressed to chest, head down. I see you. 

At one time in my life, I will admit that there was something in this consideration for me that was selfish, that somehow this allowed me to not look at my own imperfection and made me feel somewhat more worth something when helping others. Let me assure all, I have taken the express elevator to the bottom, and I learned a thing or two while I was there.

Today I am listening. There is a heart that I care for so much hurting and confused. Somehow, I have to let her know that I am here. For listening in the sad days and rejoicing in the happy days. I have seen all that she is; magnificent in ways that she cannot yet comprehend.  But I believe in her. I always will.

Silver Springs

 When I was down, with affliction so precise and unique, it was a pain that hurt more than walking against the storms of addiction. I had forgotten what that could feel like and I am thankful for that. What I did not know was I could be there again, even if it was not me that that storm came upon. 

I forgot the pain that my heart could feel, the devastation so complete. Rewriting everything is something I never could imagine, but here I am in a lonely room, looking at an empty wall and seeing all the things I didn't do.

Photo by Dan Gribbin on Unsplash

I could never imagine my world without you in it. Throughout the winds, the rain, and darkness we had each other's hands. We spoke with one voice and loved with one heart, and I don't understand how they can be so separate.

When you pulled away I heard the music play and somehow I knew what the words were before I heard them. It was everything I had feared and even worse and I keep hoping I am being dramatic. 

It takes me back to a Friday night dream so many years ago. I saw a flash of what I wanted and knew it just could never be. I hurt with the pain of a person who had to climb onto a spaceship and never see the earth again. The world was gone and adapting to that would be a deception that I could never buy. 

Every moment of every day, I rewrite our past in my mind. I know it cannot change anything, but I cannot help it, I have to do something. The richness you gave me is unimaginable and it will take forever to understand, and maybe even longer than that.

In these days, I stand on the bridge. The leaves fall and I know the winter is coming. I bravely stand at my side of the bridge, honoring the person that you are - the person I know you are. It is everything. It is absolutely everything. Now I have nothing to focus on except myself, the person I need to get to know. Of all of the things that you have given me, will this be the greatest gift? I don't know, because it is everything. 

The passing of seasons

 I always thought it would be easier to live after the cats were gone. We were always saying that we were not going to do it again. Very smugly taking beautiful things for granted. Even Donna said, we just did not understand how exceptional they were. Lava's final cries in pain were of death itself, I just know it, and they were the most harrowing sound I have ever heard. It tears me to the core.  Doctor House was right though, there is no dignity in dying, we all do it alone and it's ugly and horrifically terrible. The only thing we can do is live with dignity. 

Our daily numbness makes us not even do that so well. And in Goodbye, Farewell, Amen, there were light points and deep ones too. Even in hardship, we can take the good for granted. Hardship, well yes, it can have lasting effects. And that is on a chemical level. I heard a summary of societal decade disintegration. I know this all means something yet I am losing the drive to put the idea into a summary. Everything is a mad rush to stay steps ahead of the predator. My elaborate propane system, combat finance strategies, racing the first snowfall, and of course,  paying my rent every day in the tower of song. 

Sadness always brings words. I love words but I do not like the sadness that they ride in on. I think John Lennon said it best in the song I know from 1973. "The years pass by so quickly, one thing I've understood, is I'm only learning to tell the tree from wood." It's like that, you travel so far, only to realize that just maybe you are only just beginning to learn something. What a raw deal that is! Inside fueling the engines there is the rage in the cage, so carefully accessed just like an internal combustion engine. Gives a whole new meaning to Joe Walsh's words "I'm just looking for clues at the scene of the crime." 

Taking things for granted is like Paul Simon's Slip Slidin' Away. "He said a bad day is one in which I lay in bed and think about things that might have been." And so many ways, that burning of seconds, minutes, hours, days, and years. I know what that regret will be. So here it is Wednesday. Before the Nights in White Satin and before the Late Lament, can you change what "bedsitter people" will think of? Can you change just a little of this? As I saw with Lava in these last lonely cries, the Late Lament does not take its time, it is not a time of peaceful reflection. It is like being hit by a car. The moments after being so awful and so lonely. Rose Tyler figured it out she could not save her dad, all she could do was make him feel just a little less alone when the moment came. That's all. 

Some days you hit that coffee mark perfectly and other days you think you did but you did not. Harry Callahan asked a detective as he arrived at the diner back in 1984 if coffee could determine a day's worth. 

In all the reflection one can have, there really is only one relevant question, and that is: where do we go from here? Knowing all we know is the total sum of wisdom. What do we do next? Do it now, make it count. In reflection, but looking to draw wisdom from scraped knees and massive falls, I think I might pick an album out each day. It could lead to things to write about. To take my boys sometime in the future on a trip with me to decades before they were even born. "The world's gone crazy nobody gives a damn anymore and they're breaking off relationships and leaving on sailing ships for far and distant shores. For them, it's all over, but I'm going to stay. I wouldn't leave anyway, I know that someday, we'll find a way, we'll be okay." Those words from Ray Davies in 1978 on the Sleepwalker album.  Why did I mention it?  It has been playing in my head since 3:30 this morning.   I totally hear the rain on the rooftop. It has the sounds of autumn to it. If last year has taught me anything, I have learned that you cannot predict what the coming fall and Winter hold. I remember how Rosilee loved my 1982 piece "The Orange Leaf." She saw the words how I intended them to be seen.  They were so profound to her, with the impact of war.  I sent it to Yankee Magazine back then, and they responded with static.  As deep as I thought they might be, of course, they were not.  If you are deep, if you hear the words for what they really are, you know, they must be respected.  

For a beautiful little girl

 Dear Lava,

I cannot begin to tell you how much I love you and how grateful I am that you came into our lives. You brought so much joy to the childhoods of my sons into our family. You were our little Alpha. You owned them all and you were fantastic at it. There were things we never could quite understand, like how you used to try to kill your brother if he got outside because he smelled different. How you love being brushed and did not want to be at the same time. 

Every morning you were at the top of the stairs as I started my day. You complained to me at night when you wanted me to go to bed so you could sleep in the recliner. 

Lava, you were there through good and bad times. From Mom and the kids bringing you out to the camper to do homeschooling, to being there when Noah came home after three weeks in the ICU. I will never forget how Noah cried when you acted like you did not know him when he got home, but you both worked it out. I loved how you used to walk under the dogs' chins, brushing your tail under their faces and reminding them who was really in charge. The look in their eyes showed that they totally understood. You were affectionate and on your terms always. 

You taught me more things than I ever thought possible. It's funny how such a small being can teach us so much. Some of these go pretty deep too. In the hours after we laid you to rest, I scrolled through my phone to see the last photo I took of you. March 5th, I was ashamed of this. It means I take way too much for granted and worry and complain about how much I have to do. I am sorry for that my little friend. I am sorry on a much larger scale that I know will take time to understand. 

The loss of your brother about a year ago did make me focus on you more. I know that I appreciated you more during that time and we got along better than ever. Our beautiful girl, you were so much more than a family pet. You were a defining and essential part of the forming of the people my sons are, each in their own right. One of the most tragically beautiful moments I have ever known is the relief I felt when Liam arrived just after we lost you. That little boy who would place you on top of his head and walk all over the house holding you steady by your front paws. His tender but fierce love was evident as he took the time he needed to say goodbye. Liam's love, which I say comes with so much self-sacrifice and so much honor was so defined by your years with us. Somehow you showed us the inner light that is in Haylie too, not only in her love for you but how she is there for Liam. 

Lava, one thousand thank-yous are not enough to acknowledge the incredible difference you have made for our family. I somehow know that when it comes to you and your crazy brother, this was a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. I can't imagine we will ever love a cat as much as we have loved you. I can't foresee that one will ever hold such an important job as the one that you had and did so well. 

For every moment I acted like you would just be here always and did not show how appreciated you really were, I am truly sorry my little girl. You were amazing and one of the biggest souls I have ever encountered. Thanks to you, I realize that a life raising your children is a perfect assembling of little parts that are so important.  I miss you and I love you.