Gifts I did not know

Woke from a dream where I was in a terrible realm

All my sails were ablaze I was chained to the helm*

The early years of my adult life were like this. Stuff was on fire, yet I drove on defiantly, deciding that it was just "no big deal". I worked hard to operate in every environment and to skillfully be thoroughly unimpressed. Night after night knowing that the very ground I lived on was sitting in the top of an hourglass in which the grains of foundation were disappearing with expected precision. 

Chemical rationalization was helpful in maintaining this ride. I was taught that maintaining was everything. Maintaining was the old school way that said, no matter how messed up you are, you operate as a productive member of society. I had the good fortune of this only affecting myself.

As I watch my sons navigate the transition into real life. I have been incredibly impressed by their choices, discernment, and the tools they have used in figuring out those paths. Even though I was considered to have the wisdom of an age greater than I was at their age, I had nothing on them in comparison. What they have gleaned from me has surprised me greatly. From my fight for survival, that have pulled key points and principles that I did not perceive were possible as I was running the course.

I find that I am constantly learning from them. It is in how Liam demonstrates a stereo system for me and with intention chooses Gimme Shelter by the Rolling Stones. The richness he found in this song speaks volumes. Gimme Shelter is a song about contrasts. The 1960s which a large peace and love movement was everywhere, it did not stop the 60s from being one of the most violent decades of our time. The song is drawing a line in the sand and states that, we are stepping over this line to a better day moving forward. It is a great piece of abstract art, lyrically, musically and in canon. 

The other night, Noah and I were talking about music. It is so interesting to sample what he loves to listen to. He knows his 70s and especially 80s very well. He has a knack for finding musicians today that actually still have talent, just when we thought talent died 30 years ago. What is great is, those artists clearly have influences from those decades and he finds it in deep complexities within the music.  It is so molecular that others may never see it, but he does.

Despite being told that our children will learn more from us than we can comprehend, I could never have imagined it could be as deep as it is. That the very nature of it is mostly subliminal. They are the ones teaching me. Fresh young minds. Those who do not compare today's life to the greatest decade 50 years ago. I try to keep an open mind about things, but when the intelligence I am receiving is that old, I am certainly sure to be swept away in the wake of time. That aggressive thing that I have fought and kept ahead of all of these years, foolishly thinking I could beat the adversary. Playing with cards that no longer exist equals devistation at last. 

As each day passes, I better understand, this is the time to sit an listen. Beautiful ideas, creativity and intellect abound around me. It is a sweet garden to live, and I don't want to miss it by seeing only contrast. The one thing we have always had was today. Today was not something I accepted very often, but I have learned, it is the most precious of gifts.

*song "Mockingbirds" Grant Lee Buffalo 1994  

Big day coming

 “The years pass by so quickly. One thing I’ve understood. I’m only learning to tell a tree from wood.” -John Lennon.  I know. Mind Games. 1973.

 

The alarm clock is going off every 10 minutes now.  Waking from working dreams of effort and change are now going by like telephone poles on the open road. My twilight struggles overnight are torn away from me and rendered useless as the real struggles become exposed in the light. I land on the ground. Pain check: 18 years - check. In the next 30 minutes, I sweep up the shattered pieces of what makes me a person who can make it to the other side of the day, and with coffee, love, and rage, I put them all together, and the day begins.

Big day coming. When I think of all of the good and bad that can funnel into a single 15 minutes, it is remarkable. Why should I be surprised? I have changed the course of my life in a split second so many times before. The next morning, I awoke in a different life each time. Today, the changes are the result of lessons learned. I am more concise. Looks like indifference, rudeness, and disinterest, but it is only the desire to speak worthwhile words, listen to worthwhile speech, and take fruitful steps.

As I glean the pluses and minuses of the lessons learned, I look for abstract solutions to the journey that is today. Sometimes I create an orchestra of harmonics around the task, other times, I rush in, guns blazing. Yes, there is a big day coming. I hope as I collectively grip all that I am in the midst of the mess that I am made of, I have learned something. 

The passing of seasons

 I always thought it would be easier to live after the cats were gone. We were always saying that we were not going to do it again. Very smugly taking beautiful things for granted. Even Donna said, we just did not understand how exceptional they were. Lava's final cries in pain were of death itself, I just know it, and they were the most harrowing sound I have ever heard. It tears me to the core.  Doctor House was right though, there is no dignity in dying, we all do it alone and it's ugly and horrifically terrible. The only thing we can do is live with dignity. 

Our daily numbness makes us not even do that so well. And in Goodbye, Farewell, Amen, there were light points and deep ones too. Even in hardship, we can take the good for granted. Hardship, well yes, it can have lasting effects. And that is on a chemical level. I heard a summary of societal decade disintegration. I know this all means something yet I am losing the drive to put the idea into a summary. Everything is a mad rush to stay steps ahead of the predator. My elaborate propane system, combat finance strategies, racing the first snowfall, and of course,  paying my rent every day in the tower of song. 

Sadness always brings words. I love words but I do not like the sadness that they ride in on. I think John Lennon said it best in the song I know from 1973. "The years pass by so quickly, one thing I've understood, is I'm only learning to tell the tree from wood." It's like that, you travel so far, only to realize that just maybe you are only just beginning to learn something. What a raw deal that is! Inside fueling the engines there is the rage in the cage, so carefully accessed just like an internal combustion engine. Gives a whole new meaning to Joe Walsh's words "I'm just looking for clues at the scene of the crime." 

Taking things for granted is like Paul Simon's Slip Slidin' Away. "He said a bad day is one in which I lay in bed and think about things that might have been." And so many ways, that burning of seconds, minutes, hours, days, and years. I know what that regret will be. So here it is Wednesday. Before the Nights in White Satin and before the Late Lament, can you change what "bedsitter people" will think of? Can you change just a little of this? As I saw with Lava in these last lonely cries, the Late Lament does not take its time, it is not a time of peaceful reflection. It is like being hit by a car. The moments after being so awful and so lonely. Rose Tyler figured it out she could not save her dad, all she could do was make him feel just a little less alone when the moment came. That's all. 

Some days you hit that coffee mark perfectly and other days you think you did but you did not. Harry Callahan asked a detective as he arrived at the diner back in 1984 if coffee could determine a day's worth. 

In all the reflection one can have, there really is only one relevant question, and that is: where do we go from here? Knowing all we know is the total sum of wisdom. What do we do next? Do it now, make it count. In reflection, but looking to draw wisdom from scraped knees and massive falls, I think I might pick an album out each day. It could lead to things to write about. To take my boys sometime in the future on a trip with me to decades before they were even born. "The world's gone crazy nobody gives a damn anymore and they're breaking off relationships and leaving on sailing ships for far and distant shores. For them, it's all over, but I'm going to stay. I wouldn't leave anyway, I know that someday, we'll find a way, we'll be okay." Those words from Ray Davies in 1978 on the Sleepwalker album.  Why did I mention it?  It has been playing in my head since 3:30 this morning.   I totally hear the rain on the rooftop. It has the sounds of autumn to it. If last year has taught me anything, I have learned that you cannot predict what the coming fall and Winter hold. I remember how Rosilee loved my 1982 piece "The Orange Leaf." She saw the words how I intended them to be seen.  They were so profound to her, with the impact of war.  I sent it to Yankee Magazine back then, and they responded with static.  As deep as I thought they might be, of course, they were not.  If you are deep, if you hear the words for what they really are, you know, they must be respected.