I can't stand the rain

 Where are you?

What do you think each morning?

Do you laugh?

Do you smile?

Three months have passed, and everything has changed. I have found that everything I had ever hoped for you was really hoped for you. I had no ulterior motives. I was there because of you, marveling at your resilience, creativity, and heart.

Have I not seen you because it is too hard? I know it would be hard for me, but I also know that my love for you is strong enough to allow us a new chapter. That confirms that it was always who you are that grew our bond, not other relationships.

You taught me a lot, and I am really thankful for that. Showing someone how much more they have to learn is a unique gift. I do not take it for granted. I just hope you know how important you are. I also hope you know all that you can do. 

It is in my nature to see all sides and possible outcomes. I just need confirmation that you are safe and doing well. I think about it a lot. The connections we make in life sometimes feel like we should have them forever in the way they begin. It is clear, and has been for years, that this is not always true. 

We all get power from something that carries us through the years of erosion we face. We hold onto it, gripping it as though we are suspended only by it a thousand feet above the ground. At the time, I did not feel that I was preparing for your life's journey; I realized that I was, and honestly, I was not done.

I now have to depend on the undefinable survival skills you possess to keep you safe. It sounds like me making myself feel better knowing you are doing well. I am just not a person who stands on the sidelines of disaster. I used to be, and was that ever a mistake.

This is me and all my flaws. On your side, I stand ready to fight the things that want to pull you down. It is who I am. I hope you understand. 

Tangled heart

 I saw them.

 Intertwined like as a single person. 

Saying words that the rest of us cannot know.

 Minds, thinking the same thoughts,  hearts, beating in harmony.

In darkness, they sustained each other, stealing most of the life within them.

Their homeland is a parasitic existence.

A woven strength kept them in love, chaos, and emulsion.

Below the surface, the strength that sustained them could not be defined and was likely more messy than it appeared.

Photo by Angel Luciano on Unsplash

What they built felt timeless and we rejoiced to a fault.

The walls were indestructible.

The ground was firm and without doubt.

Alone was something they could never know.

No matter how dark the room was, they always saw each other in the light.

It was something we came to know as the mountain that sits outside my north window.

I never dreamed it could cease to exist.

I know nothing because I never thought I could be injured in a great train wreck when I was not even there.

It is our connection. It is real and one many cannot achieve.

That is something you never throw away.

That is something you hold.

I never knew those walls could crumble like they were just paper and ash.

I worry that the ground was soft all along, but I cannot be sure of anything these days.

dreamed - farm

dreamed - arms

dreams - wrong

never - dreamed - hurt

never - dreamed - lose

dreams - I'm - strong

now - creek - rising

my - bridges - burned

dreamed - crowds

smoke - clouds

dreams - don't last

have - suspicions

position - stars

all - revealed

know - then

stars - surrender

snow - falling

fences - torn

need - someone

hear - someone

song - somewhere

dreamed - walking

two - talking

life's mystery

words - flow - friends

winding - streams

wanted - see - you

seem - surprising

find - yourself - alone

dark - rising

new - moon - born

always - dreamed - love

never- dreamed - lose

I always thought I would have you in my life. My heart rewrote our history and I was standing near you as you opened your eyes for the first time. I fell in love with you in that alternate universe and love knew no barriers. That is why I stand here today feeling so much loss.

I just want you to know that we are good. Finding you does not have to be for nothing. Perhaps this is always where we were going, I don't know. I have to stop thinking that one story has anything to do with the other. But when you love someone like they are your own daughter, you cannot help but feel all of the pain that rolls in.

I wish I knew what was ahead. November is an awful month and as a precursor to the days ahead, words have spilled out over the fire leaving us to salvage fragments with our tears.

I know I always knew you, and I hope you know you too. You are someone I believe in, someone I can trust. I wish you knew how amazing you really are.

The North West Girl

 There was a sound in the night. It was a cry as if she was here, but I could not find her. Throughout the years, she never cried. Even now when she does, it is silent. 

Because I know her heart, I can feel it, the confusion, the devastation, the temporary reprieve. There is a dimensional barrier that I have to cross if I am to console her. My callous recovery from my own trials sometimes make this as easy as passing through a solid wall of concrete.

Photo by Naja Bertolt Jensen on Unsplash

So many times, for so many people, I have wanted to be the reason they found to look at things more positively. I wanted them to see the good in who they are, just like I did. 

It is in the broken glass on the floor that I stop and ponder. I know that there was a difficult trial in this very spot. I am not interested in those whose boring and predictable lives have allowed them to live the dream. It is those who sit in the corner, knees pressed to chest, head down. I see you. 

At one time in my life, I will admit that there was something in this consideration for me that was selfish, that somehow this allowed me to not look at my own imperfection and made me feel somewhat more worth something when helping others. Let me assure all, I have taken the express elevator to the bottom, and I learned a thing or two while I was there.

Today I am listening. There is a heart that I care for so much hurting and confused. Somehow, I have to let her know that I am here. For listening in the sad days and rejoicing in the happy days. I have seen all that she is; magnificent in ways that she cannot yet comprehend.  But I believe in her. I always will.