Stuck

 How is it that some parents can just demand their 18 year old high school graduate move out? How is it that some can send them to college and shift so easily into the next phase of their lives? For the last 21 years, everything was my children, and actually it still is. We crossed that threshold a few years ago when they stopped coming camping with us. It is so strange, because since that happened, we really have not had a good trip. Small exceptions, yes, but it was different. 

I always ran our 5 trips per year like a mobile army unit. It was all about the boys, how well we were set up, how they would manage the fire, what the food would be like. 

There was never time to read, relax, and just think. No, making everything happen in a day for me was sort of like being on American. Ninja Warrior. Nothing ever stopped until those boys were falling asleep in our laps in front of the fire later. It was perfect. 

It was amazing. July 4th 08 weekend was our second trip in the popup. Dinner was done, Noah fell asleep in Donna’s arms in front of the fire. Liam was 5. I put him on my shoulders and went for a walk because we heard fireworks in the distance and wanted to see if we could see them from a higher point in the campground. We only could see a faint glow on the horizon, but what we got was more than we could have imagined. When we got to the top of the dirt road overlooking a vast field, it was filled with thousands of fireflies! When I think back about that night, I hear Liam’s five year old voice talking with me about it and can feel him on my shoulders. It was so magnificent. This was before we carried smartphones, we did not grab the digital camera and even if we did, it could not have seen it the way that we did at that moment. At no time in my life have I ever seen anything like this, or have again. It was a fixed point in time that just happened.

We were at Attitash that fall. Noah had a medical issue that caused us to have to drive to Berlin NH to the hospital for at least three of the days we were up there. It was pretty serious and it lead to an infection. We did the train ride out of Conway, and I felt so bad for him because he normally would have enjoyed it so much, but not today. The doctors finally decided minor surgery was in order. They would put him out with Ketamine for the procedure. I laid on my back on the table and held him, facing me. They put him out and did what they had to do. I stayed in that spot for 3 hours from start to finish. I always needed to be THAT MUCH there for my boys, never abandoning, even for medical procedures.

If you were to ask me what one of the greatest moments of my life would be, I would tell you it was watching their faces as the Wolfman attacked the train up at Clark’s Trading Post. I think it was the definition of absolute joy for me. 

The point is, these boys defined my existence for two decades, everything I did was for them. I really do not know how to move on when they do not need me like they used to. When they do have needs, often they are adult ones in which I can only advise but not rescue them . Oh, I get it, rescuing them does no good, I know it, they know it. But there are some things I do just wish I could make happen for them and I am sure that will never disappear.

I know the answer is to pursue what I love and in that love, I can show them and even build good things with them. I know this happens to parents everywhere, well at the ones who care. The other kind are a little too abundant these days if you ask me. 

All I can say is all of the magnificence of everything is now clear in my vision. As much as we appreciate what we have when we are there, it is nothing compared to how we appreciate it as bedsitter people.