The futile fight

When sadness consumed me, I could never rise above it. It was dark and I was lost and ironically, angry. It is so easy to misdirect my own frustration and assign it to others who will never know that they hold it. For years then, I have had exhaustive arguments with them, and they never knew those even took place. Once in a while, I gained my full awareness, stopped mid-sentence, and asked myself, "Who are you arguing with?" It would be so easy to graduate from such futility, but it has taken much more.

I needed a little anger in my life to deal with the pain that I did not know was coming, the lines blurred and I found that I was using it as leverage to deal with everything that came my way. It seemed like a good fit, I had such beautiful mastery over it. I could make it sing like sweet music and it had the power to make many things happen. The one thing it did not allow for however was to allow me to feel my sadness.

There is nothing more powerful than sadness and despair. Within it, the only way I could then look is up. In my life, the easiest way to know where the top is is to be at the bottom. It was always then, that I knew which way to go. I know I had to scream and protest. I know I had to do all I did because I saw no other way. I never learn the most important things easily. I am full of friction and fight. It is one of my biggest flaws. What a relief it is to know that. 

I know that knowing this is still not enough. But I am here, doing my best to do what I am supposed to do. Instead of fighting, I am allowing myself to feel. This is where the real healing begins and the real strength comes from.