Monday, December 16, 2024

In the Depths of December

 The days get shorter, and the task list grows like I never knew it could. I perceived that this hour would be more coherent. Instead, it is a guilt-laden, sedentary existence. Change comes about when throwing punches, moving like an enraged climber of mountains. Somewhere, there is a timebomb in the climber's mind as he races to the top of the hill, defying the very laws of age to do it.

Today, I live to defy my age. A few years ago, I lived to defy my past. Before that, I lived to stay alive. Before this, I lived hoping for chaos. Before that, I lived for stability. Who is right? 


One thing has stayed the same. I wish to be the tornado that tears through the fabric of the obstacles and subdues everything. I laugh at that because if things were simple, and not fight to taste, see and feel, then I would not like my life at all. 

When December began, the ground was already covered with snow. It has a debilitating effect on everything within it. A warm November allowed me to live with a larger portion of denial than I was entitled to. That is on me. 

I just looked down at the date on my computer: December 16. It is the longest night of the year and also the day my father was born. I miss him. It has been almost 29 years since he left, which means I have almost lived in the world without him as long as I had him in the world with me. That is very surreal.

Some days, I struggle to recall something I have not thought of, but I have mainly extracted all the memories I could find. Two weeks ago, I got to sit with my cousins and listen to stories of when they and my parents were young. Those are like sweet treasures. Especially lovely was listening to stories of my grandfather, who passed when my Dad was only 13. I had not heard these stories before. 

So here I am, toughing out December, begrudgingly, reluctantly, and quietly. It all goes by so fast, anyway. I can never figure out what to make of my December dreams. They are always so exhausting. I could write a book in December. It would be a book of irony in so many ways. Today, I am just trying to survive. The cards I hold are able to keep me in the game, and yet, deep down, I also know that I am bluffing.


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