Have you ever woken up numb? Nothing makes a vibration. There are no parades to join. No causes to fight for. I hear a steady noise, as if I were in a box that hummed all the time. The autumn sun, askew and relenting, mocks my ambition to succeed. You and me, well, we are okay, but I know how you are. You plan to take me for a ride into the cold dark woods and abandon me. Admit it.
Every task comes with the hidden danger of compromise. A walk across the expanse to get to market is a diabolical reminder of what really rules the year. From the summer storm that woke us with fear and 15 minutes of chaos, we slingshot into a realm that says that event could not have been possible.
I realize I have ten minutes to act before the shockwave flashes through. What to do, what to do, what to do. All I know is we will be overtaken, that air raid sirens will sound in the form of a familiar voice, and we will find ourselves inside, hiding, the same way we always do.
Perspective rushes in, a harsh storm leaving us to deal with it. Now we know where we stand. We know the hull has breaches. We hope we are good. I do wonder, however, about my cavalier attitude until now. My actions somehow stated that this year would be different, only to find I was lying to myself.
So much remains to do, yet I still search for balance. Otherwise, regret will plague me for many months to come. I secretly scheme to be a different person next year. Harder, more uncooperative, selfish, and focused. If only. There is always one more hill to overtake, and then I will deal with that. False summits, over and over again, burn time itself. October makes its closing arguments and wins the case every time.
Somewhere up the road, the first storm will come. Even though I missed the mark by miles, there will be a sense of relief that it is what it is, and this is what I have. There I can exist and just be, the same way the rest of the world just seems to be. In that instance, I get a taste of that. It is good, for now.
