A Very Personal Trap

 Someone has filled my freezers. That person is me. They are full enough for me to rearrange the contents to fit something new. Something is amiss. I am not shopping more, not hitting great sales, and have not changed my shopping habits. That can only mean one thing. I must not be cooking enough.

So what is going on? Winter depression is all around like an unwanted, persistent weather pattern. I remember a time like this a few years ago. I cannot recall how I broke free from its gravity well. My ambition requires a jumpstart, and my motivation has flown south for the bitter winter season. I feel I am left with nothing, like Henry Bemis in the Twilight Zone episode Time Enough at Last. Socially awkward, Henry could not deal with people in any way whatsoever. His only refuge was found between the pages of a book. It was his special place. A catastrophic event takes the lives of every other person on the planet, yet Henry is spared. As he wanders around a post-apocalyptic city, he comes across the largest library he has ever seen. There is time enough at last to escape to the only world where he can exist. 

As Henry situates himself into the rest of his paradise life, his coke-bottle thick glasses fall to the floor and are broken. Henry could not read without them, and he could not see anything inches from his face. All of those printed words around him, his absolute paradise, become, in one moment, his torture. 

Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash

Sometimes, winter does feel like a sentencing. I have bashed this worthy adversary for over 40 years relentlessly. Some things never change. 16-year-old me, sitting in my room, listening to John Lennon's Live Peace in Toronto 1969 over and over again, seeking new ways to smite this unsinkable taunter.

What gives, though?  My food? Seriously? This is the one place where I can kick it out and feed myself and my household. The canvas is blank, and the food is there, just like the many books in the library poor Henry Bemis sat in. My glasses are my cooking knowledge, tools, and stove fire. Seemingly, nothing is missing.

I can only conclude that something is missing. I need motivation and that insatiable need to discover and master more in the art of many things culinary. The worst struggles ever are those that we have within ourselves. 

I am old enough to know that randomly changing parts till you hit the target is not an option. Everything needs to count. That is why I am sitting at my kitchen table this morning, taking it apart, trying to see where the obstruction is. Just like my dishwasher, which is too new to experience an issue, despite that "is," which I will take apart later after work to see if I can fix that too.

That will displace the time that I would have been cooking once again. I see a connection between the broken stuff in my life and my frustration in not cooking. It is that proverbial sink full of dirty dishes, coupled with the dishwasher full of clean dishes, added to the 15 bags of groceries I just bought that are still sitting out 30 minutes after I got home and need to be put away. Yeah, and let me tell you, I was so confident at the store as I bought those groceries!  Oh, the stuff I was going to make!  You fool, I shout internally! What a joke!

It is the only way I know how to break free. To just get mad. So here I am, trying to shake this winter stalemate. It is a boring standoff in which everything stops. A terrible waste of days that needs to be smashed. I cannot do it. I cannot allow it. I need to mix everything up. Blend, shake, and throw it against the wall and see what happens. I know I can do it. I just need to push. Gravity feels heavier these days. I can do it, I know I can. Tall words to say when you are pinned down, but I got this.

A Certain Kind of Love

Where is the moment when everything changes? You are just streaming across the sky, and suddenly, Boom! Oblivion. We watch the days pass by from our little prison cell of our own making. The little habits and idiosyncrasies that we long to break free of. Little do we know, today, these cease. 

Does the coffee taste different? Does the air feel different when leaving the house? Is it just a day like any other day? Sometimes, lines intersect in hours; other times, more than 50 years. I cannot help but think about a glassy-eyed Paul, expressing with frustration, "And then there were two."

Photo by Ran Berkovich on Unsplash

Was she happy? Was she sad? Was she just lost in the distraction that the winter days write into our story as our hearts cry for seasonable days that make our infirmities feel small? He walks into the kitchen from the shop 41 steps away, weary from the years of standing under dripping, cold, and rusted problems that he can overcome for a price, but it is never enough. What else is there? He does not know.

She wraps her arms around him and makes him feel as important as she knows he is. He was made for her, which is enough for him because she was made for him.

What happened next, I do not know and probably never will. It is not my place to know but a stark reminder to appreciate what you have. In a moment, he was alone, forever. The pain that he was feeling was unimaginable because he had been right where he always wanted to be. But now, that was no longer possible.

 I know why he did what he did, though I would never understand it, even if it was me. The contrast between going to sleep in one world and waking up in a completely different one many of us could never endure. Although I have seen people who I thought could never survive, they climbed to the top of grief itself, and they claimed their loss with incredible decisiveness for the honor of who they loved.

I was not sure where he was going to land this time. My guess was that he would possess great strength, and although it would play out like some twisted gauntlet, he would get through. But then, we learned that we were wrong. We found out that their love was stronger than every other option, and in that, it was the best thing there ever was. It, too, was the worst thing there ever was.

I sit silently while a year has gone by. I have not made kimchi at all since before your last day. You always loved it when I did; somehow, the two have a connection thanks to my associative memory. I know that I will have to do it someday. I am strong in my own right, and that only has to do with who I am and no one else. I am sad because your whole existence was wiped off the surface of the world in a moment. It does not seem fair. I will honor you. I will honor the love that you had for her. It was a certain kind of love that could not continue without all of its pieces. I get it. A year later, I am still stunned. 

Let me be your shelter

I will keep you safe

I will keep you great 

No one knows like me

I can do it all.

It comes from having everything all of the time.

The lie that my barriers can provide me wisdom.

For me, there is no reconciliation.

There is nothing you can say that will make me listen.

You made me this way in your hunger for glitter and artificial light.

You dragged me out into your public squares and asked me to dance.

You showered me with compliments and gifts to inflate my view of myself.

What could be my actual share of useful knowledge?

Could the delusion of greatness actually make me more wrong than everyone out here?

As I walk through the dust and corroded streets of the world we once lived in, I hear your chants and screams from the broken windows of the homes around me.

I have become haughty in your praise and have become a delusional nightmare.

It is the ultimate high, this game. 

In stupidity, I charge forward. They just say things that make them think they are selfless.

Let me be your shelter because I have no clue.

I know no better than those who wish my demise.

Photo by Timur M on Unsplash

It is important to all to know this ship is going down.

There is no saving it.

Where will they put their hope?

For me, the one who thinks I can save you, I do not see the path out of here, although I believe I do.

I fall, you fall, we all are going to fall, yet I am too blind to see, hear or know it.

Even Challenger looked promising for 73 seconds, then oblivion.

Let me be your shelter.

I will keep you running toward the cliffs, just like the rest have been doing all along.

The only difference is, I am going to do it while agitating others.

Either way, we are all clueless; you are on a one-way ride to nothing.

C.S. Lewis said, “When the whole world is running towards a cliff, he who is running in the opposite direction appears to have lost his mind.”

Is there really shame in being different?

 

War and Space

In the days of Frequent Wind, the aftermath looked bright.  Innocence only appeared if you were not peering through a camera or, even worse, looking up from the land near Tân Sơn Nhứt Air Base.  The only knowledge that exists is the path that led us here. Far away, men mowed lawns, and women planted gardens in a land that was becoming hated for its perceived decadence. 

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Playtime scraped the concrete walls slowly enough that no sound could be heard. But with each grain of sand blend, there was a pinpoint hope of exile. Sisters struggled to be heard. Many stood in the sunlight and agreed with full hearts, voices booming in agreement. But the car ride home was always like none of it ever happened. No one questioned his license. Like downed Japanese pilots from 25 years earlier, some could still be found on remote islands in which no other man had set foot.

I stood in lines of conformity with a styrofoam vessel in my hands. I never really knew how fortunate I was until 50 years passed, and I found that in this basement, the will to do something good still existed. The evil scientists were still hard at work in their dungeons, conjuring up the death and disease of the years to come. They would feed it to their own families and bask in the glory of profit margins.

Nothing had to shine as it does now. The facade of our fragile well-being today. Back then, we just made our intentions known, and to a good measure, we were held to it by the others around us. Parents were parents, which was not relative to the property lines drawn by the tax assessor. 

Somewhere high above a summer night sky, men who, under the influence of oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and gravity, could not even speak to one another were suddenly shaking hands, exchanging hugs and ceremonial gifts. The catch? They had to first leave the planet to do so.

Rest was finally here after 20 long years, no more smoking gun.  Eloise dealt a deadly blow.  An iron ore freighter met her end in Lake Superior. Bombs detonating on both sides of the globe kill no one quickly. A morning standard is born that does not end. Linda meets the law, but she and her like-brother John are later let off the hook.

Smoke-filled jets filled the sky, everyone living in a sweet little bubble. It was not sweet for all, but it was what it was. 

Taffy

I stand at a wall in the distance. I am constantly touching it, feeling its coolness. Sometimes, it is smooth, with no hand or footholds. Some days, it is rough, with plenty of points to climb. 

There are great treasures inside and out on the other side.  I race the timebomb to the finale or the moment of liberation. Deep down, it is not really a race. It is only something I tell myself to explain my lack of action. Dramatize for effect and distraction. 

In a moment of lucidity, I demand stark effort and reality. To be real without spin. In the last 50 years, we have been programmed to weave stories that make us feel one way or another. Perhaps they were right about television after all.

Photo by Possessed Photography on Unsplash

Fantastic self-psychology in the fake it till you make it lane. Is that really necessary? Do you need to fire an arrow downrange whenever you hold the bow? Words need not bruise, and hugs do not count. Not in the way that you think. 

I was standing at the bus stop and not thinking about energy. I thought of everything else, and it showed. The bus was not even built yet, and I stood in the rain, heat, snow, and wind, telling myself that I would see it crest the hill at any moment.

I met a traveler. She was modest and wise. She smiled as I told her my tale. She earned the right to tell me how it was, but she was kind instead, saying what was needed in the softest ways. 

The curtain lifted, and when the light flooded the stage, I found the necessities I obtained were not only other people's trash but mine. Facade and rumor had run down the clock, and I had nothing to show for it except for all the work I still needed.

I sit on the stairs with my head in my hands and wonder, am I going in the right direction? There will not be enough time to turn and run if I am wrong. Will the gravity be heavier? Will words not translate from mind to sound?

I push all of the debris aside and sit on the dusty floor. I close my eyes. Control my breathing. I feel the air around me. I pay attention to the song playing in my head. Exhale.

What is real?

Do you sleep in Stockholm?

 What is in the hearts of those we love? 

Is there a reflection of how we feel? 

Is there faith and confidence, or is it tolerance and frustration? 

Did your heart beat faster when I was there?

Did you look forward to when we were apart?

Did you let me believe that I was helping you?

Did you say words to make the moments pass?

Did you ever feel that we were meant for each other?

If you did, when did it change?

Why didn't you tell me?

Photo by Romeo Varga on Unsplash

What was the darkness like that surrounded you?

Were you not able to say the words?

Could you sleep?

Were dreams poisoned now that you were lost?

Did you know there were possibilities?

Do you understand that everything is broken?

In the words I heard you say one night, were they meant for me or really for you?

Under fire, I watched you evade the worst and was thankful and impressed.

Much further down the road, I found that you were bleeding.

I was not ready to accept that. 

I made up reasons for your behavior.

But as time passed, I found that you lost every battle.

You were tainted and compromised in heart and mind.

Your survival has required this cloak that you wear.

It is a prison without the desire to leave.

Do you sleep?

If so, how is that possible?

I called you invincible, seeing all of the light within.

But when treachery and danger permeate every sunrise,

the game is laid before you to play an artful hand.

Those who have hurt you are no better than the pusher 

because they have not only stolen your most precious gifts, 

but they have trained you to pillage them from yourself.

Is it better now?

Does one less lie make it easier to not feel pain?

More than ever, I hate those who have hurt you.

I like to think I could see who you could be without the pain.

I thought it was terrific.

In my heart, I know they are to blame.

You, too, are the victim. But I know better than so many

this is a road that will take you apart piece by piece.

I am sad.

I saw you, and you were amazing. 

I long for you to realize that you have choices other than those you were taught.

Deep down inside I worry that you will exist in what you know.

I used to live there. I had love, and it saved me.

Do you sleep?

The very nature of your condition makes me stumble.

I have to remember it is my flaws that make me do that.

You will be who you will be, and I can do nothing.

I like to think you have seen the possibilities.

You were there.

There is always hope that you will remember, dig your feet hard, and say no more.

For that I have to hope in the light I saw in you.

It is what I hope for you.

Amid my incredibly mixed emotions for being as blind as I once was, 

you, too, have love.

I may be totally wrong but I'm a Dancing Fool

 I cannot sometimes. No matter what age you are or within the decades you grew up in, some things just fall through the cracks in popular culture's floorboards, and we never see them again unless you have to pull up the planking for some reason.

I have done this physically, especially in 1988 and 89, while working on houses built in the 1890s in Claremont, New Hampshire. I have also done this in the figurative sense. It happened most recently this week. I was searching Spotify for a playlist of the 1970s. I did not want to be fed the same old, overplayed thing. No Steve Miller's Joker, Cat's in the Cradle, Hot Chocolate, or Bee Gees. In the 70s rock genre, PLEASE, nothing that braindead FM or satellite radio regurgitates, making the newer generations believe that we did nothing but listen to the same 50 songs repeatedly. We were so much better than that!

Or are we?

One playlist contained many songs that I am sure I have not heard since they were on the billboard charts back in the day. More so, the very existence of these songs was long forgotten, even as far back as 1982.

One song that I have picked on for decades was "Fly Robin Fly" by Silver Connection. According to Wikipedia, in the United States, it rose to number one on the Billboard Hot 100 in November 1975, staying there for three weeks. To show you the psyche of American pop culture of the day, it was preceded and succeeded by "That's the Way (I Like It)" by KC and the Sunshine Band for the number 1 spot on the Billboard Hot 100.

I may have said some pretty negative things about these cryptically complex lyrics many times:

Fly, robin fly

Fly, robin fly

Fly, robin fly

Up, up to the sky

Fly, robin fly

Fly, robin fly

Fly, robin fly

Up, up to the sky

Fly, robin fly

Fly, robin fly

Fly, robin fly

 Sylvester Levay and Stephan Prager wrote the song. Stephan, a.k.a. Michael Rolf Kunze. Prager's lyrics are painstakingly fleshed out here (Okay, I'll stop). 

I could pick all day, but these guys were brilliant. Respected music composers in the 1970s and for decades after wrote songs for artists we consider legends and many movie scores tattooed on our collective consciousness; they knew how to do the job. In its first 90 days of release, "Fly Robin Fly" sold 1.5 million copies in the United States alone. I don't have figures for other countries, but the song was a hit on multiple continents.

We have seen other brands of this kind of thing before. Remember the (person) "has his own jet airplane" in Dire Straits, Money for Nothing. Or what about the 16-year-old kid who now drives a Ferrari because he gained millions of followers on YouTube because he simply played Minecraft. And I think I'm so smart! Really, what have I done compared to these folks? Well, I have maintained "artistic principle." That and $5 will buy 3 cans of generic tuna fish at Market Basket.

But this is not why I am writing this...  I am here to talk about something that makes "Fly Robin Fly" look like it has the depth of Pink Floyd's "The Wall."  That can only mean that I am talking about the 1975 hit:

"Lady Bump"

First, let me say that I wish I was joking. According to the ever-wise Wikipedia, "Lady Bump" is a pop disco song by Austrian singer Penny McLean, released in 1975. It was a hit for McLean, who was at the time still with, guess who:  Silver Convention, of course! Two years later, she would leave to pursue a solo career.  Even better, this song was also written by Levay and Prager (Kunze).

Lady Bump was released in June, and Fly Robin Fly (I have also learned the original title was "Run Rabbit Run")* was released in December of the same year. I could make fun of this song and say that Mr. Kunze toned back the lyrics when he wrote “Fly Robin Fly” after writing “Lady Bump” to bring the court back to order. Whatever the case, it, too, became an international hit.

They call me lady bump

lady bump it's no lie - ah

Lady bump

lady bump - just the music takes me high.

They call me lady bump

lady bump uh uh uh ah

Lady bump

lady bump look at me and you'll know why.

That old phrase, "I guess you had to be there" applies. I want to know what we appeared to be like in the mid-70s to those who were not there. As I try putting myself in the shoes of the millennial or the Gen Z'er, I am so thankful that I grew up during that time. I say this even though watching these old performances go down just as smoothly as a 1977 JCPenney catalog.

I love looking up song meanings on the internet. Some contributors are excellent at extracting what has to be the depth of some songs. Others are so far off you want to comment and ask why, but then realize this is not the person to waste time in a debate on something that has no return on investment. In the case of “Lady Bump,” one guess was bump was a reference to a drug, but they were wrong as this song was written ten years before that label; queue up the Family Feud buzzer and big X on the screen, you are wrong.

The other was a reference to the contemporary dance known as the Bump. It was very popular and consisted of the person(s) rotating hips sideways to bump the other person’s hips. I must admit, I suddenly wonder how many folks who did this dance now have titanium hips.

Where there is dancing and hip replacement, no doubt there are injury lawyers:

Have you had a hip replacement after doing the "Bump" as seen on TV's  Soul Train? 

At Smith Johnson and Jones, 

we can get you the compensation you deserve.

The song absolutely references the popular dance. The original video depiction is not quite as much, but in the years since, the dance has been choreographed into the performance, so those who see drugs in every song need to get over it.

Lady Bump is a lyrical depiction of a Saturday night in 1975 at the disco tech, and in this case, the singer is turning her silk, eye shadow, and hush puppies into dollars. It sort of reminds me of "The School for Singing Truckdrivers" commercial in the 80s where "you can turn your truck driving miles into millions" singing songs like:

Drivin' a big truck

Drivin' a Big Truck.

Drivin' a BIG BIG TRUCK.

Lady Bump was intentionally sugar-coated candy professionally crafted for the Pez dispenser du jour. Although I might pick on music like this... a lot. Songwriters Michael Kunze and Sylvester Levay really knew what they were doing. They actually initiated the group Silver Connection in Munich and then West Germany. From there, it spread around the world, raining cash.

These men are still out there today and have prestigious careers in Broadway music, movie scores, pop music, and national music concerts to benefit others. Yeah, they knew what they were doing. Some things never change. It was another exercise in giving the people what they wanted. 

When you look at what Kunze and Levay did here, you realize it was business. It was a strategic move to fund their fantastic careers. Thanks to them, a large part of 1970s pop culture is represented forever. Thanks to Spotify, I have another song that can get so stuck in my head for days that I think it will never stop!

*If "Fly Robin Fly" was originally called "Run Rabbit Run," what lyric would go in place of "Up up to the sky?"

Kimchi is Life

 As I look to the year ahead, I think of the weather. The snowy days ahead, the mud season tease, the awakening of the impossible spring, summer heat, mosquitos, cicadas, autumn that seemed to take 90 years or 90 minutes to arrive, and finally, the terror threat of November into December.

I ask myself: Culinarily, what do I wish to achieve during this year? The only thing I could say to sum up the entire composite is that the underlying theme of flavors in my rock opera of cooking would be "maximum impact with minimum effort."

In case, throughout my rambling ranting, I have not made this absolutely clear: this is what Fight4Taste is all about. I look back at the tattered calendar of the last year; some plans are memories, and some memories never materialize. You win some, you lose some. Three dear friends went down with the ship, and there was nothing I could do. 

As I contemplated being practical, I found myself in the sand, digging for treasure that I already knew was not there. I persisted, and in a couple of short circuits, my senses returned, and I seriously asked myself what I was doing. I would never need the things I was collecting. 

Sunrise and the scene is different. I see roads and trails that were not visible before last evening. Is it a dream? Will it slip away? I know what this is. The rest of the random particles have been traveling through the void. Refracted light has bounced off a particulate or two, allowing me a gracious thought or reference, but if I were to be challenged at the border by the guards demanding my credentials, I dare say it ends there.

My new rank dictates decisions, actions, and plans. I know in my heart I have earned every last bit of it. If I fail to take action, all the adventures ahead are unknown to those in the lands that these roads and trails lead to. Will I be the killer of that era? Doubt is doubt is doubt, by which I mean;

Doubt is that which causes me to pause.

Doubt is the potential destroyer of the future.

Doubt is the tool that shows others they can do anything they can dream.

You asked me where the door was. I did not even see one. That is when you told me there were three. This is just what I needed. Patiently, you repeated those words over and over until my eyes were open, and the doors began to become visible. This is where the days of weakness and tired soul must dwell. 

In the darkness, the violins struck hard like rapid-fire thunder in the rose garden. How can this exist without me? But as I stared down my own mortality, I knew I only own my version of this. The empathic marketplace has been around longer than any of us imagined. Seriously?

I consolidate, I reorganize. I get high, then I get low. I cash my chips in and count them slowly, realizing I must make every minute count. On the one hand, I need to slam things around and get it done; on the other, I also need to carefully dust the sand off broken pieces as if with a fossil brush to discover that which is sublime and leave behind the substance I will pay storage on and yet never touch again. 

I am not done yet and maybe have not even started. I told my oppressors they were in trouble, and they were not so quick to believe it. But they will know they have failed when the glass shatters and the burning steel contacts my hand with such velocity. Pain, a drain on energy, the very air around us that tells us, we cannot. But I can, and I am, and I will. There is no "no." Deal with it.

In my writing, I realize I have returned to my abstract roots. It is often designed to not name names when an actual story is being told. Today, in these words, it is more to depict the struggle I face daily dealing with wanting to do something with food and time. I have so many great ideas, and I feel they can be inspiring. I have been fighting pain for the last two decades whatever. For a year and a half, I am accompanied by the sound a ciccaidas screaming in my head 24 hours a day, so be it. 

For so much of my life, I have collected endless information. The problem is that it was all in fragments, as if partial novels were disbursed from the clouds and dropped into the land where I lived. Many are fascinating, practical, and useful; others are interesting but have little value, and others I do not understand. For the first time, pieces of this puzzle fit together. Undoubtedly, a gift from the girl who landed in the spaceship over 3 years ago guided me through my whole life and walked with me for 2 years. I never did get to thank her before she disappeared.

The clarity of my ideas is being challenged by my pain and affliction. But when the fragments start making sense, I know I can create so much and show others that they too can do anything, explore their strengths, cook for their loved ones, and not give in to the machine that seems to dictate to us as if we were drones.

Kimchi is like this. It is alive. Anyone can follow a recipe, but a successful batch is a perfect storm of life. Everything falls into place when you really understand what it is to make it and how natural forces must be achieved. Those forces allow the process to make something out of things that previously seemed unrelated. They become one, they make sense and Kimchi becomes life.

Be Here Now

 We had just crossed the barrier from 1975 into 1976, the US Bicentennial. We had just entered the final quarter of the twentieth century, the second half of the 1970s. I remember that house on Carol Drive; it had warmth and love.

My sisters and I would have conversations with my grandmother; it was so much fun. Looking back on them, I can see her appreciation for her time with us. We did not understand it then, but to her, she was right there, taking it all in, really appreciating where she was at the time.

This is fantastic when you consider that she had nothing. She had a $400 66 Chevrolet Bel Aire. A small World War 2 saltbox house. A $39 a month pension from the factory that she had worked much too hard under terrible conditions. But Violet Mable Allaire Jackson was born in 1908 and was from what is known as the Greatest Generation. That generation did not complain about things. They had unparalleled endurance.

I had no idea how fortunate I was to have spent the years with her, my father's mother, and my grandfather, my mother's father. I feel a great privilege to be a bridge that can connect those wonderful people of the Greatest Generation to my children of Generation Z. When I contemplate this, I understand that I need to pause and reflect on the influence and teaching they provided. It is the anchor needed in a world where gravity almost does not exist or when there is too much of it. 

I recall that on one of those weekends at Grandma's house, we talked about the very far-away Year 2000. It seemed as far away, just as possible, as any of us going to the moon. It would be another 24 full years to cross. We did the math. I would be an “old 34-years old” at that time. That seemed so old!

Well, guess what? I blinked, and it is now January 1st, 2025. I am at the balance point we were on January 1st, 1976. We are now in the last year of the 1st quarter of the 2000s. So much happened in that last quarter of the 20th century, and of course, even more occurred in the first quarter of the 21st.

I was 10 on January 1st, 1976, and am 59 today. Those years taught me many lessons, leading me to the inevitable question: What is the most important advice I can give from the road traveled this far? The late Warren Zevon summed it up. 

On October 30, 2002, David Letterman asked Warren how his recent terminal diagnosis had affected his life lately:  "You put more value in every minute," he noted. "It's more valuable now. You're reminded to enjoy every sandwich."

Photo by Rostyslav Savchyn on Unsplash

It is the finest thing you can do when striving to find the good you have right now. Just like my Grandmother sitting at her table in that little kitchen on Carol Drive, listening to my sisters and I telling her about the last 2 weeks since we last visited her. She hung on to every word and appreciated where she was at that moment. Any sadness she experienced over the years and hardships she endured paid no rent in this space.

It should be this way. Hardship highlights priorities, but we can also check ourselves daily to ensure we are focussing on what is really important. The first day of a year is just another number. It is just a visible flaw in the surface that provokes my associative memory. It is just another reminder to be here now.

Safe Haven - Part 1 - The Shipwreck Loop

 Jus was running. His past was in hot pursuit, but he had just broken away. It was ironic because he made it. He had broken free three years earlier and was living on a strange planet where nothing was measured in the same way.

I will never understand why Jus came back. He was supposed to be passing through on his way into the past that he never had but always wanted. It was a powerful lure. It was one that he would turn everything over in his life.

What he did not see coming was the adult tendency to focus on survival, which works in the path of least resistance. That worked for a while until it did not. Jus realized he was being poured into the mold he never wanted to be shaped by. 

One morning, with rage in his heart, he ran for the border. The guns behind him were firing in disbelief. "How dare he choose something else?" But he did it, with all of the beautiful disasters that he was always famous for, and succeeded anyway.

His last foothold on that life suddenly crumbled, and he was completely untethered. Jus could not, for his life, imagine what tomorrow would be like, just like it was on the other planet. But this was not that. His lack of connection dropped him in the sand of a beach where it seemed like anything was possible, and he wondered what could really be possible.

Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash

Many miles away in a dangerous sea, weathering, weakening, and unpainted, there was a ship and a girl named Maarja on it. She kept throwing punches to see reactions. She did not know why, but she needed it. There was something there. The ship had wrecked due to the neglect and affliction she and the other crew had dealt it. The energy they received weakened the ship's structure, and there was nothing anyone could do.

Maarja jumped from rotted board to rotted board of debris floating in the sea until she found an inflatable lifeboat with barely alive people. Carefully, she slid them off the raft into the depths. As the sun set, storms from the mountains to the west of the sea drove the little raft far away.

The light of day found the raft sitting on the shore of a beach. For days, Maarja watched and received people from the ship, but somehow, they disappeared because they were useless. They always paddled away, floating on whatever they could find because they knew it was a better fate than staying.

Weeks passed when she saw a boy named Jus fall from the sky, but he was safe on a platform. He landed on the beach with support from those who sent him there. He continued with that connection for a while, and Maarja watched. She asked questions at times, and he answered them. He asked her questions, and she answered them.

They sat apart from each other, looking at the sea for days and days until Jus's support disappeared. In the sand, he was drunk on the prospect of freedom. Maarja watched. A wayward passenger from another ship woke on the beach one day, and she collected him. It looked like he would stay, and suddenly, Maarja rejected him.

Jus sat on the beach with the entire universe open. Possibilities of things he had never done or known lay out before him. Anything was possible. There was, however, a danger to not knowing things, and it turned out that he knew much less than he was aware of.

Jus realized as he stared off into the sea that he did not need to stay here. That is when the meteor fell to Earth and vaporized the sea. That is when Jus did what he always would do. 

I can't stand the rain

 Where are you?

What do you think each morning?

Do you laugh?

Do you smile?

Three months have passed, and everything has changed. I have found that everything I had ever hoped for you was really hoped for you. I had no ulterior motives. I was there because of you, marveling at your resilience, creativity, and heart.

Have I not seen you because it is too hard? I know it would be hard for me, but I also know that my love for you is strong enough to allow us a new chapter. That confirms that it was always who you are that grew our bond, not other relationships.

You taught me a lot, and I am really thankful for that. Showing someone how much more they have to learn is a unique gift. I do not take it for granted. I just hope you know how important you are. I also hope you know all that you can do. 

It is in my nature to see all sides and possible outcomes. I just need confirmation that you are safe and doing well. I think about it a lot. The connections we make in life sometimes feel like we should have them forever in the way they begin. It is clear, and has been for years, that this is not always true. 

We all get power from something that carries us through the years of erosion we face. We hold onto it, gripping it as though we are suspended only by it a thousand feet above the ground. At the time, I did not feel that I was preparing for your life's journey; I realized that I was, and honestly, I was not done.

I now have to depend on the undefinable survival skills you possess to keep you safe. It sounds like me making myself feel better knowing you are doing well. I am just not a person who stands on the sidelines of disaster. I used to be, and was that ever a mistake.

This is me and all my flaws. On your side, I stand ready to fight the things that want to pull you down. It is who I am. I hope you understand. 

The Zevonic Expanse

*Note: This was an experiment. I took a verse from every song on Warren Zevon's 1991 album Mr Bad Example, which is my favorite of his. I pasted them here, then asked my grammar program to edit them to sound more empathetic.

I spent a sun-soaked day meandering through the vibrant streets of Denver, my mind restless as I searched for a place to lay my head—ideally somewhere with unwashed sheets that hold the echoes of a thousand stories—while I sipped on a smooth shot of rye, letting the warmth wash over me. With a sense of adventure, I splurged on a first-class ticket aboard Malaysian Air, and upon landing in the lush landscapes of Sri Lanka, I felt none the worse for wear.

Photo by Javier Saint Jean on Unsplash

Hours slipped by, and I knew she had ventured out long before; I can only hope she’ll find her way back to me. I wait here, sipping my drink and staring intently at the door, a picture of patience as I yearn for my angel dressed in black to return. The thought of stepping outside into the rain feels heavy on my heart.

Suzie Lightning, with her fierce spirit, takes no prisoners in this game we call life. She captures the essence of fleeting beauty—one moment, she ignites the sky with electric energy and the next, she's gone, leaving only the aftermath of her brilliance. 

I'm growing weary of our back-and-forth; the spark between us is fizzling out, and it feels like the final act of our little tragedy is upon us. We could choose to go down fighting; thanks for the memories, but there's no point in lingering here. You strive to perfect me, but I feel like a house of cards—a fragile castle built on sand, where even the slightest breeze could bring it all crashing down. 

Surrounding us are rows and rows of broken hearts and shattered homes, and the sadness is palpable, an everyday reminder of the struggles we all face. 

As evening settles in, cooling the air, the sun dips below the horizon while my wife laughs and plays canasta with neighbors, a stark contrast to my restless solitude. When the weight of the world feels unbearable and I crave escape, I pack up the Winnebago and drive it straight into the glistening lake, seeking solace in the depths.

Some prayers seem to drift endlessly into the void, unheard, while some wars rage on without resolution, and certain dreams cling stubbornly to life. Next time, I’d prefer to break rather than bend under pressure. The journey from dawn to dusk feels long and winding, and reaching the end of another day often brings only hollow triumph.

As the evening approaches, a fever of anticipation rises within me. When the chaos finally subsides, all that remains is the haunting echo of distant drums. They say love requires a little patience, a line to stand in, and yet, I find myself waiting for you, beloved, for what feels like an eternity.

I pace restlessly across the floor, eyes fixed on the door, all the while continuing my search for a kindred spirit, finding ways to fill my time in Denver when faced with the inevitability of departure.

Biting off more than I can chew

 I had this amazing idea earlier this year. I suddenly realized that in 1985, I was in the vicinity of my father from January 1st through December 31st. Why not write about the whole year, just like I had done for 1984?

I was excited and rushed in, looking forward to the discoveries I would make on that journey.  I had forgotten that one-third of the way through 1985, an atomic bomb went off on the road that I was traveling. On April 3rd this year, that story came to an unexpected halt. I was innocently writing and then realized there was a river of depth I was unprepared to cross. Ever since then, I have existed on the banks of that story, pacing around like I had something to do before crossing, but the reality is, I have no idea how to cross the water.

Photo by Quasi Misha on Unsplash

I have to turn around and consider how to do it. I conveniently remove my responsibilities by saying it is not my story to tell. Deep down, I know there is plenty I could tell without taking liberties that do not belong to me.

I know it is because the story is fragmented, which I do not understand. Thirty-nine years ago, I skydived into adulthood in a land I did not understand. My scars have stories I have not thought about enough to tell. I know that I should, but I do not know how.

I have not given up. I am just sitting here by the fire, resting and considering how to cross this river. I do not give up. My tenacity might be complicated and indigenous, but it pushes back with equal force. You will see me on the other side of this. I will do it in my own time.

Sleepwalker

 The storm is upon us in a mere minute. 

There was no time to run.

No time to hide.

We tried to cover where there was no shelter.

Photo by Kasper Rasmussen on Unsplash

One moment standing, 

the next moment swept away.

In the aftermath, we sifted through debris.

We looked for clues to tell us this was coming.

Why?

We cannot stop it now.

We have lost.

It is over.

Given the rare chance to live in those moments before but change nothing

I noticed something.

It was the faint sound of the cry of war over the mountain.

If I had just listened,

I could have warned them.

They say where there is smoke, there is fire 

Here, this was so true.

I looked for more and more clues.

The more I looked, the more I found.

Where did we cross the line from victim to accomplice?

The more I know,

the more I need to know

and 

the more I do not wish to know.

Park that in the driveway to stare at.

It makes me wonder 

Are we really awake?

Or are we really walking in our sleep?

Progressive Compliance

 I was ten, and all I wanted was what everyone else had.

I was twenty, and I fought everything everyone else had.

I was thirty and tried to convince everyone I had what they had.

I was forty and thought I would lose everything I had.

I was fifty and realized I had more than I had ever known.

If I have learned anything, I have known so little for most of my life.

I comply, eventually. Is that ever worth anything?

One thing I am sure of:

The fight has always been within.

Photo by KS KYUNG on Unsplash

I have been my most significant opposing force.

What would it be like if I could turn back the pages of my life and erase those fruitless struggles with my greatest adversary?

The question is, however...

Are those battles the ones that taught me the most and gave me the greatest returns?

It is hard to comprehend.

I have always said it is "no way but the hard way."

What is all the fuss about?

 

Well, I finally did it. I finally ordered the McRib sandwich at McDonalds this week. That is ironic because as a lifelong patron of Mc D's and my love for meat, especially pork, I would likely have had this experience already. After all, the Mc Rib was first introduced to the McDonald's dining world in 1982. I was 17 years old, for goodness sake! It was a time when the health impact of what I ate was never a factor I considered. Prime time to take the plunge if you ask me.

The Google AI Overview states that the Mc Rib sandwich is made of a boneless pork patty shaped like a rack of ribs, barbecue sauce, onions, and pickles on a toasted bun. The patty is made from ground pork shoulder, water, salt, dextrose, and rosemary extract.

I could tell the pork was pork shoulder merely by the fat-to-meat ratio. It might also be precooked under pressure, adding to its tenderness. I liked the onions on it because I like raw onions on sandwiches, whether hot or cold. 

As I ate this and let the initial differences between this and the other McDonald's sandwiches dissipate, I started to pick up on a hollowness to the flavor that I could not quite identify. It is that imbalance you feel when the acid content is just a little too high and then lacks umami.

GAI states that the Mc Ribb is a favorite among McDonald's loyalists. It also states, "The McRib has been removed from the menu permanently multiple times but has returned for limited-time appearances. McDonald's uses a scarcity tactic to keep customers interested. 

I get it; if this sandwich were available all the time, it would indeed be the cause of its own demise because it is missing something important. When I realized this, eating the last bit of it in my truck the other day during lunchtime, I realized I had to make my own. 

I was not alone when I decided to look up this comet-like occurrence-ish sandwich. The internet is peppered with others making their version of this facsimile legend. So yeah, I am going to join the ranks of those who say, "McDonald's, it has been fun, but come on, that was a one-way trip for me." I can do better, and so can many others.  

This January, a worthy project will be to make this classic girl myself and perhaps make it a family favorite like I did with my version of Chili's Southwest Eggrolls or Applees Mini Chicken Asian Taco Sliders. What then about our old girl, the McRib? By January, I am sure that she caught Katy just like she always does. After all, she is from Kansas City.

The Culture of Respect

 As a novice food creator, I have met people who do what I do to one degree. There is a comforting humility that I can identify with. I think of them as so much more than I am. I am startled when I realize that they think of me in some ways the same, in the context of each owning our particular strengths. It is then that gaining friendships like these is very important. We need each other, and the world needs our collaboration.

We all carry a piece of the story. Commercial merry-go-rounds have nothing on us. It is learning about them through the food they create and the goals they wish to obtain. I agree that we all need those willing to go one hundred thousand dollars or more in debt to throw the dice loaded in opposition to their success to start a delicious food business. Without their bravery, people like us could never have become self-aware of our creativity.

We are a community, past, present, and future. We support one another. It is a language and something that must be earned. At first, if we have a chip on our shoulder, we are dead to those who spent many sleepless years mustering a good attitude even when they were handled rudely, the many burns and cuts endured, the smoke and sweat, and mismatched acknowledgment. There are times when nothing makes sense.

But there is something inside that makes them go on. Here I am, someone who landed on the highway through a most fortunate mishap in which I jumped the guard rail and lived to tell about it. I hope that I am humble enough to be accepted. I do my best to shut up and listen. 

If I had my way, I would live the next 3 years with families in other countries and just live as they do, under their rules. One year in Vietnam, one year in South Korea, and finally, a year in Japan before traveling back across the Pacific to allow all of the respect I learned to shine in my creativity and words. But that is just a dream. How can I get as close to that experience as possible without actually that happening? That is what I am still trying to figure out.

All I know is that I must move forward. That is all. I will figure out the rest and hopefully make some friends and even some family along the way.

In the Depths of December

 The days get shorter, and the task list grows like I never knew it could. I perceived that this hour would be more coherent. Instead, it is a guilt-laden, sedentary existence. Change comes about when throwing punches, moving like an enraged climber of mountains. Somewhere, there is a timebomb in the climber's mind as he races to the top of the hill, defying the very laws of age to do it.

Today, I live to defy my age. A few years ago, I lived to defy my past. Before that, I lived to stay alive. Before this, I lived hoping for chaos. Before that, I lived for stability. Who is right? 

Photo by Neil Rosenstech on Unsplash

One thing has stayed the same. I wish to be the tornado that tears through the fabric of the obstacles and subdues everything. I laugh at that because if things were simple, and not fight to taste, see and feel, then I would not like my life at all. 

When December began, the ground was already covered with snow. It has a debilitating effect on everything within it. A warm November allowed me to live with a larger portion of denial than I was entitled to. That is on me. 

I just looked down at the date on my computer: December 16. It is the longest night of the year and also the day my father was born. I miss him. It has been almost 29 years since he left, which means I have almost lived in the world without him as long as I had him in the world with me. That is very surreal.

Some days, I struggle to recall something I have not thought of, but I have mainly extracted all the memories I could find. Two weeks ago, I got to sit with my cousins and listen to stories of when they and my parents were young. Those are like sweet treasures. Especially lovely was listening to stories of my grandfather, who passed when my Dad was only 13. I had not heard these stories before. 

So here I am, toughing out December, begrudgingly, reluctantly, and quietly. It all goes by so fast, anyway. I can never figure out what to make of my December dreams. They are always so exhausting. I could write a book in December. It would be a book of irony in so many ways. Today, I am just trying to survive. The cards I hold are able to keep me in the game, and yet, deep down, I also know that I am bluffing.

There is a war....Part 6

 Today, I evaded the antagonist. I was hiding beneath the floor planking, the dirt of their boots falling through the cracks of the deck onto me. I did not even breathe so much because I could easily be detected. 

It is pure exhaustion when I contemplate tomorrow, tomorrow, and tomorrow. There is no finish line in my sight, only the battle and the fight of the day, the hour and the moment.

If I stop rowing, the current takes me to the heart of what I wish to avoid. I am summoned as a child to indulgence. My own personal Gestapo seizes me, dragging me out of the building as I cling to furniture, walls, and door frames in futility.

Every time I think I might be a mile ahead of them, I learn they are 100 ahead of me, and I am in hostile territory. Will I ever find peace?

Where is there one night's sleep? Where is there even an hour of rest? If I close my eyes, I worry about where I will be when they open. 

I know in my heart there is only one way through this. I have known all along. The opposition, the fight, the war, and the victory all live within me.

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