On a piece of iron ore, water, nitrogen, oxygen, and carbon hurtling through the expanse of space at thousands of miles an hour, the granular possibilities offer pathways spreading out infinitely like the webs of a spider weaving a complex expanse of highways reaching out for lightyears.
The night was thick, and I walked down the wooden steps to the sand, she called my name, and I turned back and walked up to her. She embraced me, and although it seemed like it had come back, it later felt like goodbye. I never found her again. I will never know why the people I was with would not leave me behind that night as I would have wanted them to. Had they done so, I would have ended up in very different places in the world.
A year later on a Saturday night, the humid night air was so thick in the deep woods you could wear it. The fire outside crackled and sparked and smoked. I knew earlier that day, the piano of awareness of what I could do with my life fell upon me from a great height. I am not sure what was responsible for the next step because I always thought it was me, but 40 years later I find out that I was caught in a web that could swallow up the power of the sun. In that one moment, a portal opened. It was so impossible, so unlikely and so destructive, and I tore off into it like I was rushing into war with rage.
26 months later, I watched the face of my father as I told him that I was leaving. I have always said it, I felt like I watched him age 10 years as I said those words. So many times, I wish that I had not said it. So many times, I had wondered what my life would be like had I not.
During the years of the regime, I did not know so many things so all of my choices were made based on only the reality I knew. A daily familiar voice on the phone at midday was in reality the warden making the required checks. The more I think about it, the stranger it becomes. I know now that if you live in captivity but do not know it at the time, you still live in captivity. It is even worse.
When I broke free, the open road was ahead. That is where I was headed and I should have taken it. I foolishly gambled one night on a lonely road looking for someone I knew, who I never did find. In the daylight, I laid it all out for her, and yet she maintained her cool. I was still headed for the road to never return.
The invitation came, a great diversion, it too was carefully orchestrated. I carefully spoon-fed myself the truth of what I was doing next. A lifetime turned into months, and after careful manipulative words on the phone and in writing, months turned into days. This later became such a great regret for me. This was the last time I would see my father as a whole person. I traded it for commitment as my head was being forcibly pushed underwater.
One more big one that took me down a long shadowy road. I walked along it for seconds into hours, adrenaline pumping through my veins the whole time, expecting to explode at any minute. In my futility, slowly I saw a life that was obtainable. In it, things got better all of the time.
This is the life that I arrived at and from it I gained the most beautiful sons a person could have. When I look back on the moments in my life, those depicted above, in which my course in life completely changed on the head of a pin, in one second, I shudder.
Where I am today hangs on such tiny threads of events that were so unlikely, I am in awe. I often think about time travel. I often think about what I would do. On the lighter side, I would tell my Grandmother and Dad how much I love them one more time. On the heavy side, I would save myself and others from greater pains, or would I?
Seeing how my family happened by such a turn of a friendly card, I realize that even the slightest vibration change in the universe could change things so that I would never have ended up where I am. I have decided, for all of the burned bridges and landscape, manipulation, pain, and losses there have been, when it comes to time travel, I never want to see it. I would choose to die here now than to ever go back. I would never risk the beautiful gifts that I have been given.
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