Unprovoked by anything that is seen, the leaves, once so new, and green with fresh life, make their solo journey to the ground, yet in unison with siblings that suffer the same fate, somehow creating a symphony that can barely be heard, certainly seen, most definitely felt. Like Days of Future Passed, there is a reality check on perspective.
All efforts to resist get called out as futility. Our denial becomes surrender. All that which we feel cannot touch us surrounds and envelopes us. The new realities progressively make us into the people we saw around us as small children. Suddenly we find ourselves slipping into understanding. The big picture is bigger than we realized. Our grandparents were smaller than we imagined.
Efforts expended in the war become revealed to be part of my injury. Know when to hold and when to fold indeed. Nobody told me that the enemy was also myself. I do think I knew that though. I screamed and fought with great defiance to hold on to that piece of ground that I demanded was mine.
Now, the trees become more bare, revealing that we are no match for the struggle that we fought. It was only the spring and the summer that gave us strength in our determined focus. But now, the trees, the ground, and the foundation of everything, despite my always moving tactically, are revealed as more treacherous than ever known and my hands hold no skill to resist.
The politics of vulnerability must be weighed out, because no matter what, there is no giving up. No matter what, I cannot do it. It is a hand-to-hand combat fight that we never win, only prolong.
Dragging the side of my face to the dirt, navigating what is ahead without ever looking directly at it, tracer fire just over my head, whizzing over me with more intensity as the moments pass. The places of cover explode as I try to crawl to their safety. The chaos does not bother me, that is what I am made of. It is knowing that this is where I live that sometimes gets to me when I think about it in any depth.
Off in the distance, people I do not know, raise their voices with such brave words, but when you are alone, knowing that if you stand, it is over, this is a reality that those voices need. Clearly, we all walk within our own ignorance, blissfully, haughtily stupid, making ridiculous decisions, insensitive and inflammatory statements trying to make others feel bad. In doing so, we show ourselves to be as ignorant as we really are.
The irony is that crawling on a dirty, muddy trail laced with explosives and barbed wire, traps everywhere, and live rounds streaming overhead has made me more humble. It has made me reflect on the people around me. I have given deep thought and shown genuine respect for those all over who struggle each day to get by. They are, like me, just like the leaves. In the spring and summer, we can weather seemingly everything. Today, like it or not, we learn who we really are.
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